I have become so incredibly virtuous that I have truly astounded myself. I had my last pint of beer about March the 22nd and not a drop of the ‘evil’ brew has crossed my lips since and I am sure that if I carried on like this I would be in the queue to become a bishop or a Temperance Minister. It is true that the odd drop of merlot or pinot noir has been experienced, but we will ignore that as we will with the fact that I never drink beer at home in the first place. Why let these uncomfortable facts stand in the way of basking in my own self-righteousness. And then, all my illusions were shattered by someone called Martin Luther who had something to do with the Protestant Reformation who said this about beer – “Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long does not sin; whoever does not sin enters Heaven! Thus let us drink beer”. Oh dear me with all my virtuousness counting for nothing.

Inevitably, there have been some concerns expressed by the medical profession with regard to all the health implications, especially renal, of excessive drinking during the lockdown. The logic would appear to be the need to fill time, although you would have thought that would also apply to smoking, but 400,000 have been attempting to give up. Certainly I can recall supermarket trollies with more cans and bottles of beer/wine (and toilet rolls) than food just in case Armageddon might break out, but I suppose a killer pandemic is potentially just that! It is too easy to make moral judgements and let us be charitable as it is perfectly possible that they were buying for a family of 15! I came across this extract from Lorna Doone written in 1869 where one of the characters expresses this view about his beer drinking – “Only a pint at breakfast time and a pint and a half at 11 o’clock and a quart or so at dinner, and then no more until the afternoon, and half a gallon at supper time. No one can object to that”. To the contrary, I think very many people would object to that. However, looking at those trollies people would be drinking something very similar.

There will come a time of course when the pubs will reopen, but I fear that it will be too late for some with inevitable casualties and the same will also apply to breweries. Like most people I often muse on WHEN will be that first pint, WHERE it will be drunk and WHAT it might be. And now for an uncomfortable thought given my abstinence what will it taste like? Will my system fail to recognise the taste and automatically reject it as something alien and unpleasant? Alternatively, if ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’, the experience may well prove to be the most enjoyable pint ever which is the other extreme. However, what would happen if it was a ‘bad’ pint and would abstinence be able to allow for that fact? What would normally be unacceptable could prove to be very enjoyable under the circumstances, but absolutely dreadful by any other standards! Tim Martin of Wetherspoon was loudly trumpeting the fact that he would be opening some pubs In June, but on what basis goodness knows although we are likely to hear why he was so right in the house magazine in due course. It is also very likely the ones to reopen first are more likely to be the restaurant style pubs with their tablecloths and chalk boards etc. which would be of zero interest to me. In late May the expectation is that some pubs might be reopening in July and especially those with outside facilities, but who knows?

I think we will have to accept that the pub of the future is going to be a radically different place, at least in the short term. Rules and stipulations will abound and it is perfectly feasible that on entry someone will stick one of these ‘guns’ on your forehead, or in your ear, to check your temperature. There will have to be some sort of queuing with one way systems and almost with traffic lights and roundabouts to halt or proceed and especially with regard to the toilets. Sanitisers will be all over the place with much tutting if people fail to use them. Standing up will probably not be allowed and tables just for two people will need to be pre-booked for a given time and vacated similarly representing a form of beer rationing by time. Outside drinking will have to be separated by two metres on large tables which almost means shouting at the other person and presumably a third person will necessitate a second table and even more shouting. With everyone doing this on many other tables a quiet retreat to the garden becomes anything but. Some tables will probably be reserved for diners and how do children fit in to these arrangements? (Preferably in a segregated cage?) Presumably, there will be separated smoking and non-smoking areas to add to the confusion and who is to ‘police’ all of this which will inevitably break down as the drinks flow. People returning to the bar, new arrivals as tables get vacated, diners, children and those accessing toilets are bound to make more and more contact with each other as the day wears on. It’s all going to be very frenetic until things settle down.

My pessimism tells me that just for the sake of a beer I am not so sure I can tolerate too much of this nonsense which probably means that my virtuousness will persist a little longer. I would like to think that I could wait in the hope of a return to greater normality, but accept that could be a long wait.

Bob Southwell

AKA The Grumpy Old Man